A Partial Day in the Life....

Today was my half day off and I woke up with a totally sore throat and then... the real fun began...

• I cleaned up garbage, laundry, dishes, and linens.
• Excavated the kids room- but MADE them help me with the clean up
• Found out that ZDad blew off phone calls and emails from his former employer and our health insurance was cancelled- nice given that he is a diabetic, hypertensive, depressive.
• Finally dealt with the toilet from hell- found a kid's block in there- realized it was still screwed up and called Rotorooter- they had to take the entire toilet off and found more blocks down the pipes
• Did the big diaper and wipes shop at Costco
• Made meals for, and fed, the kids
• Cleaned the house
• Figured out a way to get health insurance and maybe even a COBRA subsidy because ZDad's former employer was super shady and we are formally only terminated from their group as October 1st (Can I say- thank god I used be a case manager, because that shit comes in useful in these situations)
• Endured the Commander refusing to use the potty because it was yucky and broken- and she was right! This meant epic amounts of panty and pant changes.
• Got the Commander appointments with her speciality care providers out of Children's hospital for the rest of the year

And well, that is it. Its 2:30 now and what I did not get done is an even longer list. I did manage to use all my new found couples counseling skills and NOT blow a friggin' gasket when talking to ZDad. The whole day exhausted me and I did not spend more than a minute focused on the kids.

So now I am feeling all sucky as a Mom. But Jeeezus- there is so much crap to deal with on the day to day that its ridiculous.

RIP - Mr. E

A very fond farewell to my friend Mr. E- or Ron.

Ron was like another Dad to me growing up. He lived down the road from us when we went Country in 1976. Our families traveled, vacationed, partied and grew up together. We have danced at each others weddings, wept a at births and deaths and generally loved each other.

Ron died this morning after being sick for a while- he was in a place he loved surrounded by the family he adored and who adore him.

I think so fondly of the last time I saw him - two years ago in August when he came out to California to celebrate the Commander's first birthday.

It was love at first sight. She adored him and that is saying something as she is kind of picky when it comes to people.


I am sad that this vibrant soul is no longer here- but so very happy that I was lucky enough to have so many hours with him- sailing, fishing, listening to stories, skiing, hiking, and other wonderful wonderful moments.

Mr. E- with all my love I bid you farewell this final time. Thank you for being in my life and so very generously spending your time and sharing your wisdom with me. I thought of you last night when the Commander insisted on sleeping in the sweater you gifted her at her birth.

Love- nancy

Let Sleeping Babies Lie

So, just when I think I cannot stand another minute of the vileness (poop, pee, and messes) of being a parent- I have one of those moments that erases all the agonies of having two little babies.

Both babies ended up sleeping with us last night. Their soft little cheeks white in the moonlight and sticky warm hands caressed my face and short little arms hugged me through the dense toddler sleep.

I still need a vacation, but it was nice to wake up early with them and to get them dressed, cleaned up and fed. We played while their dad slept in and I finally headed out to the gym before work. I am going to run later today...

Now to knock out some reports.

An Annie Lamott Moment

OK, you all know I am crazzeeeee about my babies- but honest-to-god I am soooo cranky right now and so sick of them trashing their room I could scream.

Its not politically correct, but today and last night make me wonder why I wanted to be a Mom so incredibly badly. What was I thinking? Why did I persevere in parenting when it was a no-go in terms of my biology? "Hello! Sign from the Universe?" But no, me I have to go and do the foster-t0-adopt thing.

I know, there are many more moments of wonder and joy at parenting; than those of doubt- but sweet jeezus... Sometimes, I miss living in the City, having my biggest concern being what to wear to a fundraiser, drinking too much at trendy clubs with nary a worry except for getting a cab, living my awesome mold-filled rent controlled flat, and getting regular sleep on a nightly basis.

Of course, back in the day, I was an art therapist and lived a charmed existance working in a Pacific Heights hospital or a the Children's Art Museum with insanely great benefits, flexible hours that never commenced before eleven am, and access to incredible resources. It was seriously party after party, opening after opening and charmed moments with regularity.

The only poop I dealt with was my own and in the litter box. And well, then the Little Dog's. But lets just say - managable.

Now, I take half a day off a week. OK this week, I actually took a entire day off on Saturday. Typically, I take half of Wednesday off to care for the kids, unpack from our move, clean the house, deal with the moldering laundry that ZDad washes and leaves wet to mold about the house, empty the garbage cans, put away the laundry, change linens, clean up the house and ressurrect the nursery from the infant trashings. So anyway, I got their room super organized and together; despite having no time to myself in weeks. I know- break out the violins.

Seriously, I barely ran the past few weeks as life has been * travel, work, travel, kids * repeat pattern between asterix until the end of the Mayan calendar or the Rapture - whichever comes first.

So tonight- I went in to change their linens and had a full on Annie Lamott moment. I so wanted to spank them. Last Wednesday I sorted through toys, clothes, etc. and tastefully filled three tubs with toys put on top of the closet shelf, hung up fancy dress and jackets in the closet, put the bookshelf into the closet with the books, filled the over-the-door shoe rack with shoes and socks, hung a few items of decor 7ft off the ground- and locked the closet door with a lock more than 6ft high. Tonight closet door open- all of my labors on the floor and peed on next to a knocked over potty chair. OMG- I am so hating my background in child development and counseling. Why, am I, a product of the South so anti-spanking? My kids think time out is fun.

Frankly, I loved!!! time-out as a kid. Are you kidding me? Time alone in my room undisturbed by anyone? Friggin' dream. Yes, the sins of the mother revisisted on that one.

Anyway, I am once again on a time out. I love time out. Me and Little Dog and a Rosenblum Zin, my art journal, my new hobby of creating "pop-up" pages, and my kindle.

Note the little dog is the only living carbon based life form mentioned.

So yes, this time my time out is with a bottle of red wine. Not a good way to cope, but hey, its my way tonight.

I scraped up all the toys, cleaned up as much pee as possible (we had to take the lightbulbs out of the ceiling as they keep turning on the lights at night so now there are some purple twinkly lights), did a glitter fabulous art project, re-made the beds, fed the kids roasted chicken, introduced the idea of a cloth napkins (hello, I am from the South), read them Spike Lee's "Please Baby Please, filled sippy cups (had a carpal tunnel moment and spilled one all over the kitchen), got them into bed and am now listening to LaLa Bean crying with her face pressed up against the door. Of course, all of this follows the evening from hell last night and the fact that I did not get to sleep more than an hour at a time as both kids are still sick-ish and slept (nee; messed with me) all all last night. I dragged my weary carcass out of bed before six and had fed the kids, re-diapered and dressed them, run, showered and was in the office before nine this morning.

So here is the deal. I am just feeling bitchy and cranky for no good reason. I mean sure, I just got out of being harassed in my own home and paying through the ass to find a safe place to live, gained 14 pounds, have marital issues, and work seven days a week- but there isn't really anything wrong. I am just a bitch.

I really need a vacation. Sure, I took that trip to the river in August- but that was the Hell vacation. For many reasons I haven't gone into the details, but lets just say that after my parents left- it was the worst experience I have had outside of suing the drug companies for my DES damage.

Oh yeah, because its when you sue big Pharma for reproductive health abnormalities they totally go into things like your weight (back then I was obese), your sexual history and so much more. Just saying- that vacation in August- more like a major stressor than a holiday.

So my last vacation was in in Fall of 2006 the month I miscarried. Memorable, because I was going to Fiji for a work thing, had to get clearance from OB/GYN to travel, and was literally on the plane 48 hours following the ER visit, working and then vacationing. Also not a very relaxing trip- but the last time I took a vacation of note.

I know, I sound like a fraud internet person who is now going to publish a paypal account and share my Amazon gift list with you. Except I am not, and I won't. I just have had an exceptional last decade when it comes to stressors.

I need to go somewhere- hike and run, eat healthy meals, lay about reading and painting, and find some down time.

And yes, I love my babies beyond reason and am totally thrilled they are in my life. I am just a burnt out hag right now.

Lame Parenting Moment - #12,002

The Commander asked me to make her a pie- because Little Bear's Mama makes pies.

I gently said, "Mama doesn't make pies, but if you need me to raise you a million dollars you are in luck".

She demanded pie instead. So I fed her canned olives and called them berries.

Incredible Naughtiness of Being

OMG- my kids are monsters. They are mostly recovered from H1N1 in that still cranky not totally sick kind of way.

They just stripped off their pajamas and diapers and peed on the floor. Wait, a crash-

Yeah, they had the sippy cup from hell with a leaky valve so I have changed all the linens twice. The evil cat peed on our new mattress - mutha' fucka. So dealing with that.

OK- I am so on a time out. I have been cursing like a sailor ever since the uncovered dish of not quite gelled chocolate pudding exploded when it fell out of the refrigerator when I went to get a sippy cup filled.

Then, our toilet, has been backing up every friggin' day- just plunged it to find a block was down the pipe- lovely.

So, now its time out. I am sooo cranky. I did not run today- but spent my workout time stuck in traffic running errands. I know, it could be worse.

I am just feeling fat and cranky. I did manage to come home and roast up a bunch of veggies- so that I can be healthy and on track with lower calories without feeling deprived. I took the Commander and the Little Dog out with Pisces and that was lovely. I did the grocery shopping, did two rounds of art projects with the kids, fed them dinner, changed them for bed, read two rounds of stories, and got a bunch of work done in my art journals.

I am so on time out. Its me, the Little Dog, a diet coke, and some reading.

Self Improvement

OMG- Death Valley half marathon = one month away.

So, I had an interesting period of time- roughly one month where I: ate too much, drank too much wine, and exercised too little. I slept a lot, nursed the kids through the H1N1, unpacked boxes, sorted through stuff to give away, and got back in touch with creating art on a daily basis.

I also got fat and out of shape. Given that I was running 30-50 miles a week a month ago- I figure I should spring back. This morning was harsh- uphill trails post flu.

I also realized that my skin and hair were looking like crap. I have lost a HUGE amount of hair- due to stress, eating too little fat, losing more weight and dieting against medical advice (I was very, very lean when I decided to lose more weight against the advice of my doctor and the nutritionist) - this was fifteen pounds ago, and not sleeping.

More recently, I was advised to back off the training some, to eat more calories, and to then return to maximizing my leaness and training time.

So, here is where I am today:

1) I need to lose 10-15 pounds- I am going back to my "healthy" lean body that I hated so much 9 months ago. It is my healthiest weight and body composition.

2) I am knocking off the red wine. Crappy way to deal with stress.

3) I am meditating daily and art journaling daily

4) I am back to running- but probably won't be putting in 50-miles a week again except for right before Austin. That was over training in a huge way for half marathon.

5) I am combining my weight loss and training efforts with a focus on being healthy- not more having my hair fall out because I am being dumb about this whole approach

6) Staying focused on having healthy relationships and communications in my daily life

7) Expressing gratitude for the gifts I receive even in difficult times

8) Honoring the joy that is having my two girls- I am so thrilled to be a Mom to the Commander and LaLa Bean

9) To not let other people's crankiness and depression and anger permeate my psyched - and risk loss by walking away and saying "no more"

10) Keeping open and flexible to what may be...

And there has to be an "11" - to keep the love of glitter at the forefront of my world. I love me some glitter.

OK, people, its back on. Death Valley is a half and I am going to run Austin as my first full barring the spraining of my ankle and another round of H1N1 - Jeez. What a month its been.